Interview Themes and Quotes

Most participants found that the racism experienced during the pandemic (firsthand and/or hearing it on the media), led them to explore their Chinese and Asian American identity. This included exploring their roots more and wanting to connect with other Chinese Americans, specifically Chinese adoptees, online and in-person. While this was feeling was expressed by many, there were also feelings of limbo and resentment/guilt towards the Asian, Asian American, and Pacific Islander (AAPI) community. Participants talked about how they look Asian on the outside, and are perceived by others as Asian, but they do not feel the part on the inside because they were raised by white families in – most of the time – small, white, rural towns in the United States.

Moreover, this feeling of being in-between two identities lead many participants to have a fear of being rejected by the AAPI community as well as feeling guilty of not having the same feelings as non-adoptees. For example, many adoptees cannot relate to having elderly Chinese family members who were being the target of many attacks. Thus, there is a feeling of loss and guilt.

In addition to wanting to connect to their Asian American identity, many participants also felt a need to connect to their adoptee identity, and other adoptees, during this time. One participant stated that during this time, she thought about her birth parents in China and the fact that she never got to know them, making her depressed and anxious about not knowing a family that could have been heavily affected by COVID. Additionally, participants have talked about using the pandemic as a time to “come out of the fog”. This is a term that was described by participant as the process of adoptees coming into more awareness of their adoptee identity and what it means to start understanding their adoption. This can include the bridge between being Chinese and an adoptee, or just being an adoptee in general.

With this idea of coming out of the fog and wanting to explore adoptee identity, many participants connected with other adoptees through Facebook and other social media outlets. It was through groups such as Subtle Asian Adoptee Traits, that participants were able to ask questions to other adoptees, share experiences of prejudice and discrimination, and just gain advice on the current situations in the world. Moreover, participants are awaiting the day to make these ongoing internet connections a reality as the world begins to open up more.

When the news of violence against the AAPI community started to reach popularity, many participants felt anger, sadness, and annoyance. Participants talked about anger towards the community and the government for not dealing with the violence. There was also anger about the lack of coverage on these stories. Participants felt that in doing so, the media was downplaying their experiences as a “model minority”, leading the AAPI community to not be taken seriously. Additionally, there was growing anger towards the use of xenophobic terms such as “Kung Fu” and “China Virus” that was surfacing over social media and being used by powerful figures such as Former President Donald Trump. Some participants began to question social circles and close family and friends because of racist remarks during this time as they found that people around them would make racist remarks or blame them for what was happening. 

Many participants were afraid to go out in public for fear of being the next target of an attack, whether it be verbal or physical. Sadly, this fear was not suppressed in March of 2021 when a shooter took the innocent lives of six Asian women in two spas in Atlanta. Overall, these participants experienced emotional rollercoasters filled with anger, sadness, fear and a motivation for change.